EVALUATED QUERIES

My comments are in blue at the end of each query.

FICTION/ADULT NOVEL

Popular English professor Barbara McCoy’s former lover has left her emotionally and financially ruined. She's sinking fast into alcoholism and self-pity when a brilliant, talented student becomes aggressively enamored with her. The ensuing affair ends in tragedy and brings her to her knees. With the help of an unlikely mentor, Cathy learns the secrets to a joyous life and overcomes soul-crushing guilt, the threat of professional ruin—and death itself.
I am looking for representation for a 61,550 word New Age novel. In the tradition of "The Celestine Prophecy," BEYOND brings alive the principles espoused in "The Secret," 12-Step programs, and "A Course in Miracles." As a veteran 12-stepper, a student of "A Course in Miracles" and a professor of long standing—I currently teach writing, theater, and creativity at the University of Xxxxx, as well as creative writing at the University of Xxxxx, Division of Professional Development—I come with a singularly suited experiential skill-set to write BEYOND.
I am the author of XXXX, 8 Weeks to XXXXX (Dxxxx Press, 2001) and XXXXX (Kxxxx Publishing, 2006), as well as numerous works of fiction, nonfiction and poetry contained in regional anthologies and journals such as Spindrift Anthology, Wordsmith, Palm Prints Literary Journal and periodicals such as Sports Illustrated and Yoga Journal. I have won several awards in writing contests sponsored by the Txxxxx Writers Alliance and the Mt. Xxxxxx Festival of Literature and Music. My play XXX was chosen by the Oxxxxx Magic Theater and was included in their book on "American Avant-garde."
Thank you for your time and consideration
COMMENTS
This query is heavy with information about the story and the writer’s experience, but doesn’t fully tell the story.
SUGGESTED FIRST PARAGRAPH REVISION
A college professor discovers her lover has raided her bank accounts, bought a new car and wardrobe, then skipped town. Awash in anger and self-pity, she vows, "no more relationships, ever," and looks for consolation in the bottom of vodka bottles. She throws herself into a relationship with a student that ends in tragedy and professional disgrace, forcing her to choose between death or self-redemption as offered from an unlikely mentor.
SECOND PARAGRAPH
Questions: What happens that brings the threat of professional ruin? Of death? Who is the unlikely mentor? How does she find this person? Tell Carol’s story as she moves along the path that teaches her the secrets of living a joyous life. This invites the reader to travel along. Since her story touches on self-help and personal redemption, it’s important to tell what she does to incorporate this new knowledge into her life.
SUGGESTED THIRD PARAGRAPH REVISION
BEYOND, my 61,500 word novel, brings alive the principles espoused in "The Secret." A student of "A Course in Miracles," and a successful 12-stepper, I draw on these life experiences to tell this story. Currently, I teach Creative Writing at the University of Xxxx.
o Next, include published books and the most prestigious awards and articles in well-known magazines. 
o Expertise is not as vital for writers of fiction as it is for non-fiction, except in this case. Because this book deals with spiritual growth and self-help, it’s appropriate to include personal experience/expertise in these areas.
CLOSING
Thank you for your time and consideration.

ADULT/HISTORICAL NOVEL/MEMOIR

It was still blistering hot at midnight the last day of August, 1967: The Summer of Love, as Theo and his friends gathered at his house for the last rites of summer: "Annual Army Days." Craig Seals, quarterback of the football team, accepts a dare and ends the evening walking up Fifth Street clad only in white socks and tennis shoes.
The Beatles album, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band was still number one in the land as it had been all summer long. The Vietnam War was raging and as Bob Dylan said, "Oh the times they were a-changin." So begins CORNHUSKERS, a historical look at Hoopeston, Illinois's class of 1968. Narrated by Theo, a college bound senior whose chance to escape the tiny burg might be jeopardized by pretty little Tammy Johnson. He juggles family, friends and future for her love. Eventually, he must decide: Is it time to pull the plug on college?
That August night in '67 is the beginning of a magical year of sports, wild adventures, first love, and madcap confrontations with teachers. It's a story of best friends—Schatz, Potts, Punkinhead and Theo—and small town, family values still alive during the turbulent Sixties. The journey is replete with news reports surrounding Vietnam and the major political events of the time punctuated by several Rock n' Roll favorites from the Top 89 at WLS in Chicago. It's a school year filled with fun that ends with the assassination of Bobby Kennedy, graduation and heartbreak.
I'm approaching you because I was impressed by your firm's statement about seeing writers as people first, writers second. Having an agency that is interested in the human side of the writing business and one that understands the forces shaping the publishing industry is something I consider crucial.
I am a storyteller with a compelling story. CORNHUSKERS represents and will appeal to Baby Boomers who struggled through the turbulent civil rights unrest and the Vietnam War protest era.
The completed manuscript is available upon request. I am in the middle of my second book, a novel, AXXXXXX, the prequel to CORNHUSKERS.
Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.
COMMENTS
Although this story has a potentially large market, the plot is difficult to determine because much of the query tells about the story instead of telling the story. No agent will take the time to read and re-read any query to ferret out the plot.
SUGGESTED FIRST PARAGRAPH REVISION
"The times, they are a-changin," plays endlessly in the head of a high school senior, longing to escape from the tiny burg where he’s always lived. He juggles feelings for family, life-long friends and love for his high school sweetheart as he contemplates the future. During a final summer fling and with graduation right around the corner, he must decide if it’s time to pull the plug on college, or move on to a new life in the larger world beyond Hoopeston, Il.
SECOND PARAGRAPH
Write a mini-synopsis that fleshes out the story as seen through Theo’s eyes. Stay in the present tense. Bring the reader into the last days of that momentous summer before the gang’s senior year, keeping the focus on Theo since he’s the protagonist. Be careful about including too much information on the other characters because this takes time and space away from Theo.
THIRD PARAGRAPH
If you have writing experience, mention it here. Your passion/interest for the topic is obvious. Good idea mentioning the second book to inform the agent you’re more than a one-trick pony.
CLOSE WITH Thank you for your time and consideration.
o It's not necessary to tell why you have contacted a specific agent or agency. Also, there is no need to call yourself a storyteller with a compelling story. Show this by writing a compelling first and second paragraph.

NON-FICTION SELF/HELP
This is a clever concept—using questions from spiritual classes to create a book of answers.

ANSWERS TO THE BIGGER QUESTIONS is my comprehensive answer-book for those new to the search for their spiritual roots.
This book is for those who are hungry for answers to the twenty-six frequently asked questions on spirituality.In my thirty-five years with Zen, my students and attendees at my presentations regularly ask these same questions. It is written in a direct and easy-to-understand manner.
My target audience is the millions of people of all ages, especially seniors, who are just beginning the search for their inner selves.  Now is the beginning of a mass movement to find meaning and purpose in life…a collective spiritual quest. 
As aging boomers and others of all ages begin a conscious journey to their true selves, what started as a mild trend is becoming a tidal wave of interest.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Simultaneous Submission
COMMENT
The Zen-like simplicity of this letter is not going to attract an agent because it provides insufficient information about the book. Just like a query letter for a fiction book, the first paragraph for a non-fiction work must grab attention and compel the agent to read the entire letter.
SUGGEST FIRST PARAGRAPH REVISION
As aging boomers (and others of all ages) begin conscious journeys to understand their true selves, what started as a mild trend is becoming a tsunami of interest. QUESTION: Do you have some statistics on how many people are involved in a spiritual quest? Is this international in scope?
SUGGESTED SECOND PARAGRAPH REVISION
My xx,xxx word book, ANSWERS TO THE BIGGER QUESTIONS, is written for those new to the search for their spiritual roots. It focuses on the twenty-six most frequently asked questions regarding spirituality. 
o Instead of telling about how your book is written, give an example by expanding on the most frequently asked question and your response.
o If this is a textbook, does it require a classroom setting? Clarify how anyone can use it any time and any place.
THIRD PARAGRAPH
Describe the classes you teach and explain what you mean by 35 years experience with Zen. Is that as a student? A teacher? Or both? It’s important to convince the agent of your expertise.
o When requested to send additional information, you’ll be asked to submit a "book proposal." This includes a complete chapter outline, three sample chapters, market information, competition, promotion concepts, author bio and photograph, and any interviews or articles written about you.
o  Today, all submissions are multiple, so don't take up space with this comment.
FINALLY 
Good idea to link your topic to the increasing numbers of boomers who are retiring and making time to explore their spiritual selves. May the force be with you.

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Molli, you've given me the spark I needed to finish my novel. Thank you so much. Marcella sky, writer, Tampa, FL

 

You've been a terrific help. I've enjoyed writing my query and revising with you. I'll recommend you to several of my friends who are writers.
G. Eckell, published author, musician, computer whiz