TOP TEN DUMB QUERY TRICKS
The following are honest-to-goodness examples taken from real queries that have crossed my desk. No kidding. It’s absolutely amazing how many writers waste their creativity trying to figure out how to attract attention with day-glow stationary or purple envelopes. They would have benefited more by spending that same creative energy on writing and re-writing their query.
TEN: Write your query with no regard to anything you've read on this site.
NINE: Begin your query with, "I am sending you this query because."(So what? It’s not important to know why! Just tell the plot.)
EIGHT: Begin your query with, "my mother just loves this story because." (Nobody cares what mom thinks unless she’s CEO of Simon and Schuster, in which case, why are you looking for an agent?)
SEVEN: Begin your query with, "You’re going to love this story because." (The agent immediately will hate your story and won’t read the rest of the sentence, much less the rest of your letter.)
SIX: Refer to an out-of-date resource. "According to the ‘05 edition of Writer’s Market, you . . ." (Helloooo! The 2005 edition was compiled in 2004. How helpful is old information? Proves you’re not only clueless, but also stupid.)
FIVE: Begin your query with, "Hi there Ken old pal, we met six years ago at a writer’s conference . . ." (This agent is not your pal. If you met him more than a few days ago, there is not a chance in a trillion he’ll remember you, unless you were totally naked, covered with body piercings, and sporting a purple Mohawk.)
FOUR: Begin your query with, "Didn’t you always wonder if . . ." (Asking a question in your first sentence is sudden death. The response will be a quick "no" as your letter flies to the circular file.)
THREE: Select a font that is difficult or too small to read. (Many writers use this dumb trick so they can cram more poorly written information into their query letter.)
TWO: Make your type yellow. (You can hardly see yellow type on a white background, much less read it. To compound color dumbness, use a different color for your second and third paragraphs.)
ONE: My all-time least favorite—the junk attack. Pack your letter with glitter or little hearts. When the envelope is opened, this flotsam and jetsam fly onto the desk of the person who was planning to read your letter, but now curses you silently and dumps your query into the circular file.
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